Do you ever just wake up in the morning and wish you could switch your mind off, move your brain to another planet? Lately, this is me most days. Waking means remembering, remembering means trauma. Everyone thinks, almost 5 years down the line, I should be more ‘me’ again, moving forward. But my life feels like a downward escalator at top speed with me trying to run up!
This was me almost 5 years ago. ICU, numerous surgeries, sepsis, and months on end in hospital. I lost 2 birthdays, 2 anniversaries, my childrens birthdays, and my bowel to the events that followed the 3rd July 2017.
Now, my life is a mish-mash of puzzle pieces I’m trying to fit back together. But it’s made so hard, as the final picture is forever changing.
I hoping by sharing my past, as well as my day to day life, I will start moving forward. I don’t talk about what happened much, I just can’t, but I think I need to to heal. Being able to move forward means releasing the past and I’m am so tied down with what happened, I am trapping myself, staying in a world I need to let go of; or my sake, for my families sake, and for the sake of my future.
This is the woman I want to see looking back at me. And I really hope I get to see some sort of version of her real soon…